


Prayers for Rain

by maniclust



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Angst, Escape, Giving thanks, M/M, One Shot, POV First Person, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-21
Updated: 2013-11-21
Packaged: 2019-06-19 20:57:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,365
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15518436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maniclust/pseuds/maniclust





	Prayers for Rain

[”You shatter me. Your grip on me. A hold on me so stale it kills. You stifle me, infectious sense of hopelessness and prayers for rain. You fracture me. Your hands on me. A touch so plain, so stale it kills. You strangle me. Entangle me in hopelessness and prayers for rain.”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7GPQ33bf4q8)

 

The gravel made a satisfying crunch beneath my shoes as I walked along the side of the road in the darkness. I didn’t know where I was going, but each step that I took had a purpose. Every time that I put one foot in front of the other it was carrying me further away from from myself. From the pain. From life. From everything that I knew. 

Every time I closed my eyes I saw his face. The pain in his darkened blue eyes as he held on to me tightly, trying to make me stay when the last thing I wanted to do was spend another minute in my own skin. I wanted to crawl out. Escape. Become someone else. He hadn’t been what I was running from, yet he was the only person I could focus on in that moment. That alone made me feel even guiltier, even more like escaping. He hadn’t done anything wrong, yet everything felt wrong. 

My breaths were coming in steady, measured bursts that stopped me from hyperventilating. Remaining so focused on keeping my breathing even was the only thing keeping me from letting it all crumble around me. I’d already had my moments of shed tears. There weren’t any left to cry. Now, I was longing for the stage of being able to feel numb, but I wasn’t quite there yet.

For years, I had fooled myself into thinking that I was strong. That I could remain stoic in the face of adversity, heartbreak, and the shit that life could hurl your way. My faith was something to lean on, my salvation. But at the moment it all felt like it had been a farce. I was just as easily undone as the next guy and I hated myself for it. I didn’t deserve to feel even an ounce of comfort in that moment. Not that there was any to feel in the first place. Nothing was comforting me right then. Nothing.

The gravel gave way to sand beneath my feet, each step sinking into the softness as I walked toward the sound of the crashing waves. The closer I got, the louder it echoed in my ears. I didn’t bother to stop as I reached the edge of the water, continuing to walk until I was partially submerged. I took a deep breath and shivered. In that moment, I finally stopped running and forced myself to really face the thoughts I’d been attempting to avoid in my head. It wasn’t something I _wanted_ to do, but something I knew I had to in order to find some semblance of peace.

As the water began to close in around my chest, I stopped and opened my eyes to stare up at the clouded sky above me. Saying a soft prayer, I asked for forgiveness and for Him to please show me a sign. Something to let me know that the decision I made was the right one. But, when I closed my eyes all I could see was the pain in his eyes, my name falling from his lips and echoing in the darkness. Try as I might, I could not make it go away. 

I thought of all of the times I had clung to him, gripping at his shoulders and nearly dragging him down into the darkness with me. I’d relied on him to be my strength without thinking of how it would affect him in the long run. He’d not once complained, though I had seen an annoyance pass over his features every time I attributed a breakthrough in my life to God and the faith I was so entrenched in. 

At first, I had thought that he just didn’t understand the comfort that church, praying and the Bible brought me. Had I ever thanked him for being a huge part of that? Had I given him any credit at all? I couldn’t remember. All I could see was that pain as I pulled away from him. All I could hear was the sound of my name leaving his lips as I ran away from his embrace. 

Maybe he was right. Maybe I had put too much of what was at stake in the hands of a being that I’d never seen before in my life. I’d turned my back on someone that loved me. Someone willing to take me into their arms and give me a tangible comfort that I could see, taste, smell, hear, and feel. Had Taylor been my salvation all along? Was it God that was closing His hands around my throat in that moment, making it difficult to breathe? Or was it just me destroying myself from the inside out?

For those thoughts alone I felt like the devil had possessed me. Now I was turning my back on the one source of comfort I had left. I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t leave myself completely alone. I wasn’t sure I’d survive if I did.

My thoughts drifted back to Taylor. To all of the times that I had shut him out when he’d only been trying to help. Sitting side by side, but living worlds apart in those moments. I’d steal glances from beneath my eyelashes as he scribbled in a notebook, pout on his face, and when he’d look up at me, I’d look away. Beneath the table, he would press his foot against mine just to let me know that he was there and I’d accept that gesture, but I’d remain locked inside my own head. Falling deeper into a depression that no one was able to help me fight because I refused to let anyone know it was there. Not even him.

A wave rolled up in the darkness, building up with a deafening roar before it overtook me, crashing down over my body and knocking me from my feet. As my body slipped beneath the darkness, the salt water invading my lungs, I didn’t fight it. I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t have it in me to fight back to the surface. 

Then, just as quickly as I had been pulled under, I felt the sand beneath me cradling my body as the ocean pushed me back to the shore, depositing me on the beach unceremoniously. Turning onto my side, I coughed up mouthfuls of sea water, the salt stinging my lungs and coating my tongue, little particles of sand clinging to my lips.

When my eyes closed once more, I whimpered. This time, as I murmured under my breath in nearly silent prayer it wasn’t God that I was asking for forgiveness it was him. If I had it to do all over again, I would let him in. As soon as it had all began I would let him in. I’d open myself up to him with honesty and let him _help_ me. That’s all he had ever been trying to do. It had been a mistake to run, but it was too late to turn back now. I’d come too far. I couldn’t go back and start over. Do overs weren’t allowed in real life. It didn’t work that way.

“I’m sorry, Taylor, I’m so sorry.”

The apology sounded empty, hollow, insincere - for when you apologize to someone that is a thousand miles away from you in that moment it doesn’t really mean much at all, does it? If that person isn’t there to hear it and acknowledge it how can you truly mean it? They were just words you told yourself to try to justify actions you never should have committed in the first place. But, i couldn’t go back. No apology would be enough. 

It was better this way. He was better off without me. They all were. The only thing left was me and a God I wasn’t sure was even listening anymore.


End file.
